What a fucking nightmare!

Alrighty, so I felt like elaborating on why I was so angry in a previous post, and I need to fully document the insanity of the event (in case I have second thoughts and need a refresher). So there was a pirate party, sponsored by my place of employment. Why yes, it DOES sound amazing! I think there was something like 120+ people all wearing pirate outfits and drinking lots of liquor. This sounds all fine and good until you realize that these people will KEEP drinking VAST AMOUNTS OF LIQUOR and will be STUCK ON A BOAT for like, 5 hours or so. It can very easily turn into a nightmare, and while everything during the first 4 hours was really great and fun, that last hour fucking killed it for me, and has kind of made me want to avoid boat parties for like, a while. Esp after last years boat party catastrophe. Clearly, I am not meant for a life at sea...

Now, I didn't get as drunk as I did the first boat party (no puking over the railing this time). I definitely got drunk though. And for a while everything was super fine and dandy. Sarah recently brought a new friend around. His name is David. To the naked eye, David seems very nice, friendly, and attractive. He's talkative, had fun at a sing-along, and was single. It doesn't really take a lot to catch my attention obvs, cause I immediately pulled a "Hey, you're cute" and went into flirt mode. I also found out he was going to be at this pirate party. Hey! What do ya know! So was I!

BTW - I had kind of run this potential crush idea by Henri, and he immediately told me that David was in fact a new Christian friend that attends that retarded Mosaic Church for False Hipsters in Christ. Clearly that was a red flag, but I've been known to look past red flags at first (and I don't know why I continue too, that hasn't gotten me anywhere) and said whatevs. Also, Henri warned that David wasn't a big drinker. Red flag again. Red flag ignored.

Now, I'm gonna breeze past the first part of the party. Alcohol was involved. Some people paid for it, I got it for free (Tim provided me with a basically endless amount of drink tickets), some also brought their own (also us - we had been pulling straight rum shots from the bottle before we even got on the boat! We like to go big or go home.) Anyway, people kept drinking, I started flirting, David took a shot of rum with me. I probably had about 4 or 5 rum drinks, and a few shots of straight rum. I could have had more. I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how much David was drinking because I was not with him the entire time. I provided him with a couple of drinks (one of which was the shot of rum, and I think I gave him a drink ticket when he was going to get another drink). Oh - also - again David's not a big drinker.

So basically, Car Stereo (Wars) gets the dance party going. I'm drunk enough to start dancing. I'm also drunk enough to go into major flirt mode. There was a while there when I wasn't concentrating my flirting into one place, I was sort of splitting it between David and Chris (the DJ - cause I've been crushin on him for a while now). I got Chris a drink, chatted with him for a while, and took a really unflattering picture of me and him. Anyway, Chris was working, and David was flirting at this point as well. So we went and chatted for a little while, I smoked a cigarette, we exchanged phone numbers, got drunk and giggly and started dancing. The dancing eventually led to making out and the making out eventually led to making out for like, forever. I have no idea how long. The general consensus is 45 minutes - although Henri added an hour to that, but I think he's full of shit.

At some point, a flash went off, I turn around, and Tim League is laughing at me. He took a picture of me in full on make out mode, I started to realize that we'd been at it for a while and that maybe we should chill the fuck out. David was like, WAY into it though, he wasn't really into the whole stopping idea, but I kind of insisted and started to smoke a cigarette. Us stopping made him realize that he was fucking trashed and he sat down. He was still really grope-y and kissy and that was all fine and good and whatever, but I told him that I was still surrounded by co-workers and what not (just a random excuse, I wasn't actually concerned about this - I had afterall been making out forever).

The exact sequence of events at this point isn't totally known, but I took a few fake bathroom breaks to go dance for a few minutes and answer a lot of "Where have YOU been, lady???" when they knew exactly where I had been. DON'T BE SO SMUG MOTHERFUCKERS! YOU WERE MAKING OUT WITH PEOPLE TOO! I did go back to hang out with David because I realized that he was a mess and incapable of taking care of himself. Because I can't really remember the sequence, I'm just going to put down what he said:

"I'm glad you came back, I feel really lost when you're not here."
"[something something] I really need you right now [blah blah]"
"I really want you to straddle me right now. You should straddle me"

Okay - this is where I started to get a little uncomfortable - mainly cause he was saying some weird shit after knowing me for like - uh - maybe 8 hours combined (from sing-along to boat party) - and also because he was shoving his hand down the back of my pants and up my shirt. He was also freaking me out by breathing insanely heavily and I was basically telling him to relax and try to calm down a little bit.

"I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm really messed up right now"
"I really want to fuck you right now. I wish you would straddle me and fuck me."

Yeah dude - seriously - work event - can't do a whole lot

"You could totally take advantage of me right now."

AND THE KICKER... drum rolllllll

"You could take my virginity right now if you wanted to..."

OH MY GOD PANIC PANIC PANIC PANIC. Ahhhhhh!!! After trying to get him to calm down a little bit, I asked him how old he was - he's 26. He's 26-years-old and he's a virgin, and he is talkin' dirty and groping the shit out of me and I went into PANIC MODE.

I took another fake bathroom break for the sole intention of telling people what the fuck just happened. I did leave out the talkin' dirty and groping part, but I JUST HAD TO TELL people that the attractive male I had been making out with for the past 45ish minutes is a virgin. What. The. Fuck. I had definitely underestimated the Christian thing. Like waaaaay underestimated how Christian this guy really was. And yeah, I was freaking out. And yeah, I told a few people. But I really only told a few people.

So I was monitoring David for a while. I took him downstairs, away from the dance party so it wasn't as loud. Tim and Karrie were down there making fun of me a little bit, but kind of stopped when they saw that I was a little freaked out. I don't remember if I told them what was up. I just remember trying to pull David's hand out of my pants again and tried to keep him from puking on me. At one point he ran into the bathroom and didn't come out, but this was right before we docked, so I decided I was done.

The boat docked, people started exiting, and as I was looking for my friends, Sarah asked me where David was. I said that he went into the bathroom, someone should check on him. Then she said the whole "Don't tell everyone he's a virgin" thing and I got really pissed. I didn't tell everyone. I told a few people and it got back to her. the important thing, though, is that I kept the dirty talk and hands down the pants thing to myself. I didn't walk around telling everyone that he wanted me to fuck him! I didn't tell everyone that he was trying to get me to straddle him, now did I? No, I didn't. Ugh. I was pissed. But I was also drunk, and in combination, that makes me crazy pissed. Like, I'm not sure if I've been that angry while drunk before, but I was fucking snapping at people left and right, yelling at Chris, yada yada. I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. And I did. Finally. But I remained pissed until we got home, as I was trying to sleep, and in my dreams. Seriously.

My new favorite/terrifying part of this story, however, is something that I learned today. Henri was in the same car as David on the way home, and in between David puking out the window and apologizing for being so fucked up, HE WAS MUMBLING PRAYERS ABOUT ME!!! I actually got really anxious and freaked out when Henri told me that. That's fucking crazy to the max. Henri didn't hear exactly what he said, but holy shit! HOLY SHIT! What a fucking freak!

So apparently Sarah's still kind of pissed. And thinks that I'm some corruptive person who intentionally tried to liquor David up and try to take advantage of him. Why she thinks that I'm that kind of person, I have no idea. I like to make out with people, I'm sorry they happen to be your crazy friend with some internal conflict about their commitments to some false deity. This is not my fault. I'm really irritated that she thinks this.

But whatever. She can continue to try to find an alliance with her other Christian friends, and pretend that I'm the one who's wrong and immature and that's fine. I'm not going to pick a fight, and I'm not going to say any more about it unless she brings it up.

And as for David, that is just something that I'm not going to chase. Homedude is fucked up and way too invested in Christianity for me. Clearly he's got weak spots (like, I'm pretty sure he desperately wants to get laid) but that's not really something that I want to take on. He sent me a really nice, apologetic facebook message:

I owe you an apology. Like I said, I seriously don't remember much... by the time I got to the car, I was puking my guts out. But I think I said some very dirty things to you, and I think I was very free with my hands. I think I might have spilled some of my drink on you, too.

If I remember right, you were the one showing restraint. I'm sorry I put you in that position, but thank you for not giving in. It's been a long time since I've kissed anyone like that, and with so much alcohol in me, I just got carried away.

He also mentioned he had a lot of fun making out and blah blah blah yeah duh making out is fun too bad you're crazy and it won't happen again! He said he wants to hang out again, but honestly I think I scared him, and he sure as shit scared me. If he invites me to do something, well, I don't think he's going to. What a fucking nightmare though, seriously.

Those Christians... they are bad fucking news dude.