Oh hello, blog, it's good to see you again

Well I was doing a damn good job of blogging steadily there for a while, and then I got busy or bored or something and stopped. But damnit, I'm gonna force myself to write a decent entry so here goes.

My life feels weird right now. Not in a bad way necessarily, but different than it did before. This is inevitable I suppose, and nothing that I'm upset about - what bothers me is that I can't quite place what's different. I can attribute most of the changes to having a boyfriend, but it's not in the relationship that I feel weird in. This doesn't make any sense. I'm going to rant until it does.

I hate being asked the question "So what's new?" or something to that effect. I never know how to answer it and it makes me feel boring. I hate feeling like I'm boring. I don't think I'm boring, I think I'm fun. I think people have fun around me, I do fun and exciting things. So why don't I describe those things when people ask that question? Because that's boring. It's mundane. It leads people to say things like "That sounds fun." It was fun. But it sounds boring.

So anyway, I feel like I'm boring. I kinda feel like being in a relationship is making me boring. I'm not bored in the relationship, in fact I'm having a pretty good time. There are moments when I think "I'm not sure if I want to be in this anymore" but it's for reasons other than boredom. I like being around Casey. It's easy, it's fun, we have good conversations, good sex, we eat a lot.. pretty typical I guess. I'm constantly worried about it getting too serious - I don't want that. That scares me. I like having the possibility of an exit strategy I guess, and things getting super serious means less of an exit strategy? That sounds bitchy.

I don't see all of my friends anymore. That sucks. And what sucks even more is that they guilt trip me about it. Guilt trips just make me want to hang out less. Charles is the master of the guilt trip - through his drunk dials and normal conversation - he makes me feel like a shitty friend. I haven't told him this of course - why would I? I know I'm not a shitty friend - I used to always make time for everybody. I used to be a great friend to everybody. And then I started focusing on myself instead of everybody else. So I'm sorry everyone. I have to be selfish every once in a while. There's a small group of friends that I still will always make time for - but even then I don't do everything I used to.

This all makes me sound depressed. I'm not. My life just feels weird right now. And none of that was cohesive.

On next weeks episode

I have been insanely retardedly busy for the past week. It hasn't been boring busy though - it's been awesome busy. Sure I've been exhausted and wasted over and over, but I'm totally digging it. I don't feel like updating today though - but this is really just to remind myself that I need to. The next post will be in the following five-part setup:

I. My movie date with Bill Pullman
II. Bill Pullman: The Party Animal
III. Fantastic Fest, and Why Movies are Great
IV. Karaoke, and What to Do When Tim Pours Beer On Your Head
V. My Brother VS His Appendix

I promise, these things will all be discussed, AND MORE! I'm fucking exhausted today after the karaoke party that last until 5am (or later?). I haven't seen Casey in days (I called him earlier so hopefully I'll fix that) and I slept through class accidentally. I've saved a shit ton of money from only eating at the Alamo (with the exception of a few meals) for the past 4 days. Part of me wants to say "What the fuck are you doing?! Get more sleep!" and the other part is still going "WOOOOOOO!! PARTY!!!!" and since that part is louder, it's winning. I will continue to dominate this festival, and then immediately after, dominate ACL Festival. And then I might die. But I'll die happy.

After the five-part post, stay tuned for:

I. Why Everyone Should Party in Caves
II. Bill Murray: Man Or Myth

Now, to keep you entertained. Meet Nacho Vigalondo...

Boring update

My teeth have healed themselves like magic. Magic in my mouth! They're still slightly sore, and I was super grossed out when my stitches fell out of my mouth, but I can sleep on both sides of my face (that sounds weird) and take really big bites of things again! Thank god! As soon as I was able I ate like, three cheeseburgers and two slices of pizza in one day. Bad for my body, good for my tastebuds!

Ummmm.. I bought new curtains... Casey's at the beach... I'm meeting him and his mom on Friday unless Gustav decides to be a dick... it's Tuesday and I don't have class... my brother turns 19 today....

Yep, that's about it.

Puffy cheeks

I got my wisdom teeth out Tuesday morning. I was glad to do this, my bottom right tooth had been fucking hurting my face for weeks. The surgery itself didn't seem like that big of a deal. The only thing pissing me off is that I can't eat a fucking cheeseburger. Or anything really that requires chewing. That fucking sucks. Sure I love pudding, jello, ice cream, & mac and cheese. I need some meat, yo! I'm a carnivore for fucks sake and I'm not about to do something gross like blend up some beef. Fortunately, I have vicodin. Lots of it. And a refill that I can go get any time. I also have these giant ice packs that I get to strap to my face because my mouth is super swollen. I can't smoke - which isn't that big of a deal really - I found out that if I put gauze in my mouth over the gross parts that I can smoke weed and not worry about that whole suction-causing-dry-sockets thing. Which is great.

I missed the first day of class today - my jaw really fucking hurt when I woke up and the vicodin didn't kick in enough for me to justify getting my ass up and going.

My dad came up to take care of me yesterday - he says he's leaving today, but he's asleep on my couch. I want him to go. I want Casey to come over after work. Not that they both can't be here - but I don't want to deal with that yet.

Also - I'm going to the beach with Casey and his mom next week. Either this weekend or next weekend. I haven't met a boyfriends mom since freshmen year of highschool. And she didn't like me. Harumph.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

That's what I've been hearing as I play PS3 once again. I took a break after beating (yeah, I said it, beating) GTA4. Then I went to Best Buy, bought Drake's Fortune (or something like that) and I'm shooting people again. Lot's of people. Coming out of GTA where they have this awesome thing called auto-aim and going into Drake's where you have to aim manually and get your ass shot over and over is difficult and stressful, but it's fun solving puzzles again and playing Tomb Raider type shit. And of course staying up til the wee hours of the night playing Playstation is always a wonderful thing.

Casey doesn't smoke pot, and I don't think he plays a lot of video games. The pot thing was a little strange at first, but then I started smoking around him, and it's all good. He's currently hoping to get a job at the Statesmen, where apparently, they test your pee. After that, I plan on reintroducing him to the world of marijuana and video games. It'll be a match made in stoner heaven.

He's also a very picky eater. No fruits. No vegetables. Unless they're pureed. Like baby food. To my knowledge, he does not eat baby food. He will not touch a salad (although I haven't offered him a pureed salad) but will eat the shit out of some salsa. He won't eat an avocado, but he loves guacamole. I don't fucking understand it AT ALL. In fact, I'm intrigued. I love food. All foods that aren't cantaloupe or that haven't touched a cantaloupe (cause that flavor spreads like wild fire and is gross). I also like cooking things with a lot of veggies in it. Fortunately, he is a carnivore, loves queso, spicy food and shit cooked in butter and garlic. I also introduced him to thai food, and he thought that Madam Mam's pad thai was amazing. Duh! Anyway, I can work around this picky eater thing. I'm not that food-shallow.

Anyway, we're wrapping up week 3 in this shiny and new relationship (well, if we're talkin' "official" I guess it's only been a week and a half - but we've been having sex for 3 weeks, so I'm goin' with 3 weeks). Things are good. Really good, actually. It's quite nice to have a boyfriend. It's great to have someone you can regularly sleep with. I'm starting to be able to actually sleep next to him without taking a sleeping pill (kind of a big deal - although it's still not restful sleep). We've been alternating between each others' place. His friends are cool. He thinks my friends are cool. I'm actually introducing him as my boyfriend... Yup. So far so good.

J. called me via Skype last night. He was asking me what's new, I told him about Casey, but very briefly. And then I realized I had nothing else to talk about. Despite all this (and it really does feel like a lot's going on), really, my life is still pretty much the same. Basically I still felt boring on the phone. That could be because I was talking to J. though - my story didn't involve "Yeah, so I just moved to Brazil." Fuckin' attention whore that one is!

I didn't even check my horoscope this time.

Goddamn you horoscope!

You may feel as if you have something to hide today, but everything will likely come out into the open before you even realize it. Ultimately this is healthy, for secrets can prevent you from really connecting with someone special. If you do attempt to purposefully mislead anyone -- even if it is only a conscious omission -- a memorable moment could unravel pretty quickly.

Okay fine.

I have a boyfriend.

There.

I said it.

Don't know why that freaks me out a little bit.

I'll get over it.

He's kind of awesome.

drinking pink champagne from a paper cup

Actually it's a coffee cup. I went to HEB intending to buy beer, and at the last minute saw a $4.59 bottle of pink shitty champagne and bought it - and I am now drinking the last lil bit of it. Cause I can - and I'm all smiley and watchin' bad tv in my underwear at nearly 4am. I've been in a damn good mood lately.

I don't really like to gush too much about boys that I date, cause I always feel dumb when it falls backwards and they turn out to be douchey and not as awesome as I thought. However, since about 3 people read this blog regularly (one of those is me), I'm gonna fuckin' gush.

This guy's a sweetheart, man, I'm tellin' ya. I'm kind of downright smitten and it freaks me out just a lil bit because I'm very wary about getting smitten too soon. And I've only really known him for a little less than 2 weeks, so he could still turn out to be a crazy. But for now, I'll just get all swoony when he tells me how pretty I am, or sits on the couch with me and watches bad tv and rubs my feet, or how he uh - wakes me up in the morning (yes, I already slept with him - a bunch - shut up). And he's really cute you guys, and like a foot taller than me, and he can pick me up and kiss me and it kind of rules. And aside from teeny annoyances that I have with him sending "LOL" in a text (Frank Moody and I share the same feelings on this), I get a big ol kick out of the "thinking of you" text he sent me a couple hours ago.

I'm gonna start bringing him around I think. I'm not accustomed to this whole dating thing. Frankly it's strange to me. I kind of feel like I haven't seen a lot of friends because I've been spending the past few days wrapped up with Casey or making weekend plans with him instead of others I haven't seen in a while. But so far I like spending time with him, and I like having him around, and it's about fucking time that I'm able to bring someone new around my friends that I can flirt with and that they like. So there it is.

He's coming with me downtown to the Tres Chic thing this weekend. If anyone would like to meet him and not focus on the "met him on myspace" thing (... Henri), then you should come out as well. And we'll all get drunk and have fun together. And then I will win.

And my horoscopes have been rocking my world lately:

If you've been thinking about returning to school or undertaking a new course of study, this is a perfect time to further this exploration. Making a plan about your future education is a good idea now, for you have a healthy balance between idealism and pragmatism. Visualize all the possibilities and choose the path that makes the most sense.

Idealism and pragmatism. You heard it here, folks. My shit is balanced!

Who knew?

I swear, I really don't put stock into this horoscope shit - but sometimes...

Others may be too emotional for you today as they reveal their feelings so easily that it nearly embarrasses you. You prefer to avoid drama, but the conversation begins suddenly and deepens too quickly to stop. Your key planet Venus seeks simple pleasures now, but nothing you do seems to lessen the entanglements. Letting go of your assumptions about love can be helpful to all involved.

That shit hit home, yo. Seeking simple pleasures, letting go of assumptions, being surrounded by drama and trying to avoid it.

Anyway, I'm trying to figure out some sort of direction to point myself in in the upcoming months. The road trip cleared my head a bit, but only to the point where I realized that I don't want to cause confrontation and dramatic accusations where Andrew is concerned, and I don't really want to take myself into a drastic change. Unfortunately, and this has always been the case for me in any situation, in order to get away from something, I need there to be something else to go to. Otherwise I just snap back like a rubberband and it hurts and leaves a little red mark.

It turns out that said Myspace Guy (known to the real world as Casey) is a really cool guy. Thankfully the one person I decided to meet from myspace is a smart, funny, charming guy with great tattoos. He's chivalrous, attractive, loves good beer, he's a night owl and an atheist. All this I learned in two dates. This is an interesting situation. I went to his apartment last night. Met his roommates, drank beer and watched Spaced in his room. We chatted and smoked cigarettes in between episodes, I decided to go home around 3am, he walked me to my car, hugged me and said we'll make plans next week. I went home and went to bed then - but on the first date I went home and went to bed with someone else - which made me feel slutty and awesome at the same time. Mostly awesome. Actually only awesome. I never feel slutty. Well except for once. But we're not gonna talk about that now.

If I'm going to continue to hang out with Casey, and at this point I plan to, some changes are going to be made. Mainly, I'm going to clean my fucking apartment hardcore style, cause his place was like, super nice and tidy and comfy. That's the only plan I have now. Step by step.

hahaha

Yep - so totally going to meet myspace guy for a drink tomorrow night. He's already texted me a few times. According to his myspace page, he's pretty cute. This could either be awesome or terrible. But a good story anyway - MORE TO COME!

Brief Update

Roadtrip: Fucking amazing, perfect, relaxing, and all that shit. Christi and I are awesome. More to come with pictures later.

4th of July: Turns out I throw awesome parties. Turns out people love fireworks. Turns out Tim League sets shit on fire. All good things!

Coming up: My first meeting with someone from myspace... oooooooohhhh.... yeah I know it's kind of weird but whatever fuck you

give it to me straight, doc

The truth about andrew is a harsh one, but something that I'm surprisingly glad to hear. Not from him of course, but from his good friend eric. Its a telling sign that someone so close to you will willingly explain what a shitty person you are. Fortunately, even though it wasn't the type of confirmation I was looking for, i finally got a true story about what goes on in that kids mind. Which is nothing. Nothing goes on in his mind. The only persons thoughts and feelings that he cares about are his own. He's not capable of thinking otherwise. And even when eric told him "caitlins not going to be happy about that" when andrew was fucking that alex bitch all week, all andrew could say was "nah - why would she be upset about it?" because he has no general concept of consequence or reality.

I've cried enough, thrown up enough, and wasted enough thoughts and hopes on this guy, and its time to be done. I'm not going to be one of the many girls he's carelessly fucking, and I'm not going to continue to indulge my emotional attachment on someone who is not going to reciprocate it. Yes, it sucks, but I'm glad someone told it like it is. My only wish is that when I walked back into the house, I hadn't heard some girl in his room. But fuck it. I guess it closed the deal. And so did my door slam.

So to those of you who let me give him a second chance, thank you. If it weren't for that, I would have continued to entertain the idea that maybe, just maybe I can have what I want, and I would have thought that for who knows how long. And to those who were skeptical, thank you as well. If everyone had been all about the idea, I would have sunken too far into it. Having to make your own mistakes hurts, but I guess its the way its got to be.

I'm leaving for two weeks. I'll be back on July 1st, and hopefully that will be enough time to clear my head and get out of this full on depression that I've gotten myself into. This has truely been one of the shittiest weeks of my life. When Monday finally gets here, Im saying "fuck you" to it all and running away to see new things and be with emily and christi. This is something that I desperately need to do. Maybe this shitstorm couldn't have come at a better time.

Until July - hasta luego.

Long day

So my party ruled. I'll post pictures later. Right now though, I'm irritated that I have to try so hard with Andrew and that he just keeps on calling me out on bullshit and frustrating me constantly. So now I'll go to bed. Alone. And irritated. But not about my party. Cause that ruled.

Scratch that

"The bottomline for you is basically nothing financially bad. You don’t get a suspension. You don’t get fired. Except that you do. See, they feel like the whole company is apparently watching to see what they do in this situation, just waiting to cry favoritism or whatever. So they’re going to demote you to unpaid intern status, and you’re going to be upset about that. But immediately after that happens, Tim is going to pay me more, and I’m going to pay you out of my pocket. But, and here’s the rub, no one can hear about that part of it. As far as anyone else in the staff is concerned, including a Robert or Joe or whoever, your grandparents are giving you extra money through this period, or something like that, and you’re staying on as an unpaid intern because you like the benefits and you’re hoping that through good behavior you’ll get hired on again. And then in six months, you *will* be officially hired on again, and nothing bad will happen."

I didn't feel like retyping what that email said, so there it is. Basically, I'm no longer on payroll or salary, and that sucks. My hope of being hired on full time this summer is shot, and now only taking one class next semester seems stupid, because I don't actually have a reason. I'm sitting at work now, trying to convince myself to get some work done. I already took a cry/cigarette break in my car, and I am pissed.

Super pissed.

Boom!

Who's not gettin' fired? Oh that's right, it's me!

To celebrate me still having a job, here's a the best cd of the summer so far

MGMT's "Oracular Spectacular"
http://download.yousendit.com/01AFE37A34011E98

xoxo

Dear Job of Mine

Please don't fire me. I'm sorry I fooled you into thinking that I was drinking legally. To be fair, you never checked my ID. My real one anyway. Also to be fair, I am now actually 21. I'm kind of freaking out. Very stressed. I'm also broke, and not taking classes next semester so that I can work for you. I will be even broker and then I'll have to get a real job. One with hours that suck where I'll have to be doing boring shit with no pay off. I'll have to cancel my roadtrip because I won't have a paycheck to back me financially. Look, we're totally friends. I know you like me, and I like you. Please don't take away my money and my awesome job and fun sing-along benefits. That would really fucking blow.

So yeah - you guys can all meet about it tomorrow and talk about how awesome and beneficial I am and how you'd rather hire me full time then fire me completely. And that will be good.

PS - if it comes down to it - I'll totally take you down with me

Kisses!

Happy Birthday to me

Ah 21 - I should have just gotten back from downtown all wastey faced and pukey - instead, I'm stuck in Conroe with an on-again, off-again fever and a throat that feels like it's being stabbed by knives. At least my fever has been down for maybe 5 hours now. It was 104 earlier, and boy did I feel like shit.

Radiohead was pretty amazing yesterday though. I ate some shrooms, not enough to make me ridiculous, but enough to make me really fucking happy and totally dig the amazing light show that they had. I wish my camera had captured the brilliance of it, but alas, it did not

Oh god I really need this tylenol to kick in so my throat can chill the fuck out. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow morning, hopefully she'll give me painkillers

I've fucked more models than bulimia!

So, due to Insomnia's charm and appeal, I totally gave in and already, within the past week, have become very close to nocturnal. It's not only because of Insomnia though, it's also because of Grand Theft Auto. And drinking. And hanging out at odd hours with friends.

I'm like, WAY far in the game though. So I guess that's pretty awesome. I don't play video games that often, but when I do, I go hard. Then I forget how addicted I can get to that shit, until I get a new game. It's a hard knock life.

So today, I was supposed to finish my final paper of the semester. However, because it's still part of the ULTIMATE-PROCRASTINATION-SEMESTER!!! I of course, took forever doing it. And then, around 3:30p I realized that there was not a chance in hell that I would have it done by 5pm when it was due. A quick email to my professor and an hour later - that paper is no longer due until Thursday. This continues my streak of not turning in a single paper on time this semester. And with 3 writing component courses, I had a lot of fucking papers! Not one was in on time, and you know what? Not one of those late papers affected my grades. SUCK IT DEADLINES!

Some deadlines must be met though. Like finishing sing-alongs on time because there are roughly a hundred people that would be super bummed and angry if I fucked up that deadline. I can totally deal with one professor being disappointed and taking a letter grade off of a paper, but 100 angry sing-along fans? Fuck that shit!

So as I subtitle all the best hits from 107.5 The Buzz (which later turned to 94.5 switching with the Oldies station - I never understood why they did that - or more importantly - why they got rid of 102.9 The Planet - that station was the BOMB in 5th grade!) with that paper still nagging me in the background, I have developed a flawless (totally not flawless) plan to finish subtitling everything tonight, wake up in the afternoon, work on my paper all tomorrow night, get triz-ashed on Thursday night.

READY? OK!

A lover scorned

so last night, as I was trying to fall asleep, I got a fake phone call from someone I used to know - it went a little something like this

*ring, ring*
ME: Hello?
--: Caitlin! Hey!
ME: Uh, who's this?
--: Oh what, you don't have my number anymore? Ha, just kidding. It's Insomnia! How's it going?
ME: OH! Shit! Uh, hey... yeah... it's okay... you?
--: Not bad, not bad. Hey I know we haven't spoken in a while, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm back in town.
ME: Oh... great... that's great!
--: Yeah - so if you want to get together sometime...
ME: Yeah - I'll give you a call...
--: Great! Well I guess I'll talk to you later! Sleep well! HA!
*click*

And then I said "FUCK!" and realized that I had been laying in bed for 2 hours without sleeping. Summer always brings the shittiest sleep schedule EVER and I have to try to get that under control. I can't stay up til 6 and sleep til 4 this summer - that makes me feel shitty. I don't care if Insomnia's back in town - I'm ignoring him - he's a douchebag.

My lack of inhibitions

So last night, I had sex with someone that I SWORE to myself I would never have sex with again. BUT - it was really fun! Kinda of surprising actually! Maybe I had made it so horrible in my mind from the last time that it was like, the other extreme (cause you guys, last time was like, the worst)

Anyway - it was just nice. Like, really nice. So when he sat down on the bed to kiss me before he left this morning, I was like "hell yeah! good decision Caitlin!" and then I passed out for a few hours (cause good sex or not, it's still way hard for me to sleep well in a bed with someone else)

I have little to no expectations, I'm just relishing the moment.

Now - time to take care of finals.

I woofed my teamster sub for you!

So I just now watched last nights 30 Rock, and after watching Liz Lemon scream "WHO ATE MY MAC & CHEESE!" and flipping a table, and then threaten to cut Kenneth's face off because someone stole her sandwich, and scream "WHO WAS THAT BITCH THAT ANSWERED YOUR PHONE 8 MONTHS AGO?!" and then refuse to choose between a sandwich and a boy.... I realized that I cannot wait to be in my thirties. As freakish as these similarities are... well... I hope it'll be funny in real life too!

And here's a clip from last last week - suck it monkeys!



PS - last day of class is done done yay yay

My love affair with cheese

I'm seriously not allowing myself to buy brie at the grocery store any more. I've eaten like, an entire mini wheel of it in 2 days. 4.5 to 5" in diameter. It's so fucking good. I ate it on pizza, on bread, on my finger - fuck. My stomach is soooo not going to be pleased later. I couldn't help myself though. Thank god it's almost gone - just knowing it's in my refrigerator makes me anxious.

Goo Goo G'Joob

As usual, in an effort to procrastinate further, I choose pointless blogging over homework. This is also because the Red Bull I started drinking at 1am gave me a headache instead of energy. Gives you wings, my ass.

Even though last week was kind of a breather from crazy school craziness, I still feel constantly busy. I guess I've been busier at work, and it hasn't been super stressful or anything, but godDAMN am I going to be ecstatic when that precious, coveted summer time rolls around. Ahh summer in Austin - when the greenbelt starts flowin', the Lone Star is forever chilled, and the pot is so dank you can smell it from a mile away... I feel relaxed just thinking about it.

Trying to plan some sort of California trip with a stop in Vegas, but I'm still trying to figure out what kind of time constraint I'm under. I'm gonna be totally bummed (and so will Christi) if this doesn't work out. I have high hopes though, lady (Christi)! Don't you worry your pretty lil' head.

Casey got out of jail the next day after I posted the last entry. I guess he was only in there for 12 hours or so - but I'm sure that felt like forever to him. Poor guy. I'm really, really glad that he wasn't injured, but shit - he definitely made a drunk, bad decision. He's dealing with DWI shit - while celebrating his 21st birthday tonight. Haha! I think he's taking it easy though.

Lastly - all of my friends are hooking up. This is new. Also, by "all of my friends" I mean Christi and Emily. And by "hooking up" I don't mean with each other - cause whoa would that be weird! But really - I'm obviously totally stoked that Emily and Casey are working out - and I'll be super happy if Christi bags her new atheist boy (ha - it's a winning trait for me!) - but um - yeah. That'll be really exciting for a while - and then I'll start to feel really single. Right now it's fine - but it's coming. I can feel it. I'm going to be surrounded by couples. I guess I'm usually surrounded by couples - but when it's the BFFs it's a little more noticeable. Whatever blahdibloo.

SO! Planning the rest of my night: I have a film analysis to type, a paper proposal to type/email, and 12 more Beatles music videos to subtitle. It's 2am, I have class at 2pm. I have to leave the house by 1:20pm to make it on time. The film analysis will take a couple hours. The paper proposal will also take a couple hours (maybe more because I have to read an article first). I was hoping to have all the Beatles videos done by tonight, but that doesn't appear to be the case. Those will take me approx 4 hours to finish, but that can be finished tomorrow evening (early evening - it's going to need to burn over night). This seems like one of those math problems you get on the TAKS test or something (If a train is going 60mph, and the town is 280 miles away...).

The question is this: If I try to sleep for a little bit, will the presence of breakfast tacos and coffee be enough to get me out of bed when I need to work? I've already had a Red Bull, and even though I'm not awake, I definitely won't sleep very heavily...

Ah fuck it. We all know how this ends. Caitlin goes to sleep, sleeps too long, wakes up panicked because she didn't do all of her shit, but then the day goes on, and she still has shit to do later. Yeah, I'm gonna get some sleep. Ugh. This will never change.

holy SHIT

What's better than celebrating your BFFs 21st birthday downtown and meeting celebs from one of your fav tv shows?

Nothing.

What's worse?

Her new boyfriend getting arrested for wrecking his car while drunk.

Oof. Fortunately, no one was hurt at all.

Unfortunately, I'm pulling a semi-all-nighter so my BFFs can get some sleep. Ah, the benefits of 2pm classes...

I do however think that I'm going to puke again

What a fucking nightmare!

Alrighty, so I felt like elaborating on why I was so angry in a previous post, and I need to fully document the insanity of the event (in case I have second thoughts and need a refresher). So there was a pirate party, sponsored by my place of employment. Why yes, it DOES sound amazing! I think there was something like 120+ people all wearing pirate outfits and drinking lots of liquor. This sounds all fine and good until you realize that these people will KEEP drinking VAST AMOUNTS OF LIQUOR and will be STUCK ON A BOAT for like, 5 hours or so. It can very easily turn into a nightmare, and while everything during the first 4 hours was really great and fun, that last hour fucking killed it for me, and has kind of made me want to avoid boat parties for like, a while. Esp after last years boat party catastrophe. Clearly, I am not meant for a life at sea...

Now, I didn't get as drunk as I did the first boat party (no puking over the railing this time). I definitely got drunk though. And for a while everything was super fine and dandy. Sarah recently brought a new friend around. His name is David. To the naked eye, David seems very nice, friendly, and attractive. He's talkative, had fun at a sing-along, and was single. It doesn't really take a lot to catch my attention obvs, cause I immediately pulled a "Hey, you're cute" and went into flirt mode. I also found out he was going to be at this pirate party. Hey! What do ya know! So was I!

BTW - I had kind of run this potential crush idea by Henri, and he immediately told me that David was in fact a new Christian friend that attends that retarded Mosaic Church for False Hipsters in Christ. Clearly that was a red flag, but I've been known to look past red flags at first (and I don't know why I continue too, that hasn't gotten me anywhere) and said whatevs. Also, Henri warned that David wasn't a big drinker. Red flag again. Red flag ignored.

Now, I'm gonna breeze past the first part of the party. Alcohol was involved. Some people paid for it, I got it for free (Tim provided me with a basically endless amount of drink tickets), some also brought their own (also us - we had been pulling straight rum shots from the bottle before we even got on the boat! We like to go big or go home.) Anyway, people kept drinking, I started flirting, David took a shot of rum with me. I probably had about 4 or 5 rum drinks, and a few shots of straight rum. I could have had more. I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how much David was drinking because I was not with him the entire time. I provided him with a couple of drinks (one of which was the shot of rum, and I think I gave him a drink ticket when he was going to get another drink). Oh - also - again David's not a big drinker.

So basically, Car Stereo (Wars) gets the dance party going. I'm drunk enough to start dancing. I'm also drunk enough to go into major flirt mode. There was a while there when I wasn't concentrating my flirting into one place, I was sort of splitting it between David and Chris (the DJ - cause I've been crushin on him for a while now). I got Chris a drink, chatted with him for a while, and took a really unflattering picture of me and him. Anyway, Chris was working, and David was flirting at this point as well. So we went and chatted for a little while, I smoked a cigarette, we exchanged phone numbers, got drunk and giggly and started dancing. The dancing eventually led to making out and the making out eventually led to making out for like, forever. I have no idea how long. The general consensus is 45 minutes - although Henri added an hour to that, but I think he's full of shit.

At some point, a flash went off, I turn around, and Tim League is laughing at me. He took a picture of me in full on make out mode, I started to realize that we'd been at it for a while and that maybe we should chill the fuck out. David was like, WAY into it though, he wasn't really into the whole stopping idea, but I kind of insisted and started to smoke a cigarette. Us stopping made him realize that he was fucking trashed and he sat down. He was still really grope-y and kissy and that was all fine and good and whatever, but I told him that I was still surrounded by co-workers and what not (just a random excuse, I wasn't actually concerned about this - I had afterall been making out forever).

The exact sequence of events at this point isn't totally known, but I took a few fake bathroom breaks to go dance for a few minutes and answer a lot of "Where have YOU been, lady???" when they knew exactly where I had been. DON'T BE SO SMUG MOTHERFUCKERS! YOU WERE MAKING OUT WITH PEOPLE TOO! I did go back to hang out with David because I realized that he was a mess and incapable of taking care of himself. Because I can't really remember the sequence, I'm just going to put down what he said:

"I'm glad you came back, I feel really lost when you're not here."
"[something something] I really need you right now [blah blah]"
"I really want you to straddle me right now. You should straddle me"

Okay - this is where I started to get a little uncomfortable - mainly cause he was saying some weird shit after knowing me for like - uh - maybe 8 hours combined (from sing-along to boat party) - and also because he was shoving his hand down the back of my pants and up my shirt. He was also freaking me out by breathing insanely heavily and I was basically telling him to relax and try to calm down a little bit.

"I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm really messed up right now"
"I really want to fuck you right now. I wish you would straddle me and fuck me."

Yeah dude - seriously - work event - can't do a whole lot

"You could totally take advantage of me right now."

AND THE KICKER... drum rolllllll

"You could take my virginity right now if you wanted to..."

OH MY GOD PANIC PANIC PANIC PANIC. Ahhhhhh!!! After trying to get him to calm down a little bit, I asked him how old he was - he's 26. He's 26-years-old and he's a virgin, and he is talkin' dirty and groping the shit out of me and I went into PANIC MODE.

I took another fake bathroom break for the sole intention of telling people what the fuck just happened. I did leave out the talkin' dirty and groping part, but I JUST HAD TO TELL people that the attractive male I had been making out with for the past 45ish minutes is a virgin. What. The. Fuck. I had definitely underestimated the Christian thing. Like waaaaay underestimated how Christian this guy really was. And yeah, I was freaking out. And yeah, I told a few people. But I really only told a few people.

So I was monitoring David for a while. I took him downstairs, away from the dance party so it wasn't as loud. Tim and Karrie were down there making fun of me a little bit, but kind of stopped when they saw that I was a little freaked out. I don't remember if I told them what was up. I just remember trying to pull David's hand out of my pants again and tried to keep him from puking on me. At one point he ran into the bathroom and didn't come out, but this was right before we docked, so I decided I was done.

The boat docked, people started exiting, and as I was looking for my friends, Sarah asked me where David was. I said that he went into the bathroom, someone should check on him. Then she said the whole "Don't tell everyone he's a virgin" thing and I got really pissed. I didn't tell everyone. I told a few people and it got back to her. the important thing, though, is that I kept the dirty talk and hands down the pants thing to myself. I didn't walk around telling everyone that he wanted me to fuck him! I didn't tell everyone that he was trying to get me to straddle him, now did I? No, I didn't. Ugh. I was pissed. But I was also drunk, and in combination, that makes me crazy pissed. Like, I'm not sure if I've been that angry while drunk before, but I was fucking snapping at people left and right, yelling at Chris, yada yada. I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. And I did. Finally. But I remained pissed until we got home, as I was trying to sleep, and in my dreams. Seriously.

My new favorite/terrifying part of this story, however, is something that I learned today. Henri was in the same car as David on the way home, and in between David puking out the window and apologizing for being so fucked up, HE WAS MUMBLING PRAYERS ABOUT ME!!! I actually got really anxious and freaked out when Henri told me that. That's fucking crazy to the max. Henri didn't hear exactly what he said, but holy shit! HOLY SHIT! What a fucking freak!

So apparently Sarah's still kind of pissed. And thinks that I'm some corruptive person who intentionally tried to liquor David up and try to take advantage of him. Why she thinks that I'm that kind of person, I have no idea. I like to make out with people, I'm sorry they happen to be your crazy friend with some internal conflict about their commitments to some false deity. This is not my fault. I'm really irritated that she thinks this.

But whatever. She can continue to try to find an alliance with her other Christian friends, and pretend that I'm the one who's wrong and immature and that's fine. I'm not going to pick a fight, and I'm not going to say any more about it unless she brings it up.

And as for David, that is just something that I'm not going to chase. Homedude is fucked up and way too invested in Christianity for me. Clearly he's got weak spots (like, I'm pretty sure he desperately wants to get laid) but that's not really something that I want to take on. He sent me a really nice, apologetic facebook message:

I owe you an apology. Like I said, I seriously don't remember much... by the time I got to the car, I was puking my guts out. But I think I said some very dirty things to you, and I think I was very free with my hands. I think I might have spilled some of my drink on you, too.

If I remember right, you were the one showing restraint. I'm sorry I put you in that position, but thank you for not giving in. It's been a long time since I've kissed anyone like that, and with so much alcohol in me, I just got carried away.

He also mentioned he had a lot of fun making out and blah blah blah yeah duh making out is fun too bad you're crazy and it won't happen again! He said he wants to hang out again, but honestly I think I scared him, and he sure as shit scared me. If he invites me to do something, well, I don't think he's going to. What a fucking nightmare though, seriously.

Those Christians... they are bad fucking news dude.

ah yes

And that (see below), children, is a prime example of why we don't drink and blog.

Take on me

My last post was angry and aggressive, so I thought I'd lighten the mood. Kitty, that weight is too heavy for you! You are going to pull a muscle!!!

I've been working my ass off for the past two weeks. It is seriously taking its toll on me too. I've been hella bummed and sleep deprived, getting angry at stupid shit, NOT cleaning my house (and oh my god it is disgusting) and not getting all of my work done. I am intimidated by one of my classes and I fear that it will destroy me. So last week I took a break from the madness and got a tattoo.

I had been planning this for a long time, and I am SUPER happy with it. It's healing quite nicely, and gotten generally really good reception among others. Even my dad, who I didn't tell, but he saw a picture on my brothers computer. But he said it was "very pretty" and that I'd have to wear long sleeves when I go to my grandparents from now on.

I've been getting really irritated at Alamo stuff lately too. Mostly because I'm just really stressed overall. I'm hoping to be getting more work up here over the summer and next semester (and onward) but I don't know if that's going to happen. Henri's keeping Alamo secrets from me - totes annoying! He thinks I'm joking when I say how annoying it is... BUT I'M NOT! Does he read this by the way? Henri, do you read this blog?

The semester is over in 3 weeks. THANK GOD. I've also been given the "okay" on only taking one class next semester. Well, sort of. Apparently my sister talks to my dad about me a lot - which is lame and sneaky and NOT what sisters are supposed to do - but whatevs.

If I can get through these next few weeks - I will be free. FREE! But for now, I have to finish subtitling New Wave videos and try to ignore the case of free Red Bull sitting on my desk...

Take a deep breath

Assassin's Creed - a baller game for sure - not the topic of discussion. Assassination however...

I'd like to propose a completely serious question here: If you had the ability and means to assassinate any one real person, who would it be?

Before your mind jumps to the person that you wanted to punch in high school, let me stop you for one second. I'm really serious here. This is totally weird, I know. I'm not exactly one to talk about killing people. But there are some truly fucking hateful people in this world!

So - as usual - I'm writing a blog when I should be working on a paper. I'm writing a midterm paper for a Minorities & Mass Media journalism class, and reading a book entitled Racism, Sexism & the Media. Basically, I'm learning about how racist white America is, has been, and will continue to be. It's disheartening, for sure, but easy to remember that there are many, many, many people out to constantly promote diversity and equality and an overall fairness to everyone, regardless of race, ethnicity, gender, sexual-orientation, etc.white males, and one white female.

In the last chapter I read (really only about 30 minutes ago), it briefly mentioned former Philidelphia television news anchor, Rich Noonan. Noonan worked for the local Fox News station, and in 2002, his contract with the station was not renewed. Having been a lead anchor at the station for roughly 10 years, he was angry, but not only because he was let go, but because his replacement was Dave Huddleston, an African-American anchor from Minneapolis. Noonan claimed that his contract was not renewed because he was white, filed a formal complaint with the Pennsylvania Human Relations Commission seeking more than $300,000 in "compensatory and punitive damages" (whatever the fuck that means?). I would also like to point out, the other three members of Noonan's news team were two other yet.



I would also like to point out, I still haven't gotten to the person I'd like to whack

After reading that little bit of information, my first reaction was "What an ignorant asshole!" Rightly so! Philadelphia has a very large African-American population (approx. 43% of the overall population according to the 2000 census) and media-industry jobs, specifically journalism, should have that percentage reflected in the newsroom. That being said, this particular station should have had a more diverse employment long ago (and I admit, I'm definitely judging them a little because they are, in fact, a Fox News station). So, for a white male in a white male dominated newsroom (and society) to claim that he is being racially discriminated against when he is replaced by a black male is, clearly, absurd and majorly douchey.

Even though this story was not at all the focus of that chapter, it was one of the last things I read, and something that astonished me, so I wanted to look more into it (even though I will not be writing anything about this in my paper that I should be writing...). I wanted to know the following: Was Huddleston a qualified anchor and replacement for Noonan? Was this local Fox station only hiring Huddleston to boost their statistics, as an "affirmative action hire"***? Is Noonan a totally douche or is that station guilty of unjust hiring? Did Noonan win his lawsuit? Was anyone else at the station replaced by a minority?

Unfortunately, this wasn't a widely covered news story, and if it was, it happened in 2002 and the Philadelphia Daily News requires me to pay if I want to look through their archives soooo I can't tell you for sure. I do know that (of the few articles I found) not all commentary mentioned, or was aware of Noonan's replacement, and that Noonan was supposed to stay on the air through the end of February 2002 but apparently made some comment on air about the news-writing and was let go early. I cannot find this comment anywhere!

ALSO guess who supported Noonan! Ah yes, the good people at the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas. Led by Pastor Fred Phelps, these are the same good people with the website deemed godhatesfags.com - the same people that protest at soldiers funerals and say that god created aids because he's angry at homosexuals and America. The same people that - ugh - you get the idea... whatever let Tyra tell it (and that's not something I normally say - but I didn't want to link to Bill O'Reilly). Also - I didn't know until now that apparently the WBC is NOT racist, just completely intolerant of everyone as a whole.



Again - STILL not to the person who I'd kill yet. Surprisingly. I know I've mentioned a few douches in here. Honestly, any member of the WBC is not one of those people. They are horrible people, to say the least, but they are based on religion, and that's just not worth my time. Also they're made up of families, and whether or not losing a family member would cause them to mourn or praise god, I have no idea, but I'm not out to destroy families. I'm only out to destroy one person. Still, they are so convinced that they are right, and they have a very strong community of about 70 people, that taking out one of them would result in them thanking god for strengthening them. Cults are an unknown force in human psychology that I will never understand. Ugh. It really grosses me out to talk about it actually, moving on.

On doing a basic google search for Rich Noonan, I was taken to a post on vnnforum.com (before you click, if you click, I apologize in advance for exposing you to the idiocracy on that site). On that page alone, there are only 7 comments (one is a comment within an article, with ignorant shit added in) and they are incredibly anti-semitic, and anti-African-American. So, of course, I explored a little more, found a few links, and ended up so fucking appalled that there are people who not only really, truly believe in white supremacy, but that they have so many followers! At first I thought that these people must be just completely uneducated, only to find out that, uh, no. Unfortunately, this is not the case. The Vanguard News Network was founded by Alex Linder (DING DING DING!!! WE HAVE A WINNER!!! CONGRATULATIONS ALEX LINDER! YOU ARE THE MOST QUALIFIED TO BE THE VICTIM OF A RANDOM ASSASSINATION!!!).


And since that picture gets cut off, let me present you with another one.


Why yes, he DOES look like a douchebag!

Linder "claims that the experience of working in mainstream journalism opened his eyes to an institutional anti-white bias in the field, and led him to take-up pro-white activism." HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?? Just submersing myself in a BOOK about mainstream journalism makes me almost shameful about being part of white America (although, to be fair - to myself - and to justify myself a little bit in this shame - I am of Jewish and Irish decent - so it's not like my ancestors had an easy breezy life or anything)! Anyway, Linder runs this site, which is like, the MOST racist site ever. It's motto - only slightly worse than "God Hates Fags" - is "VNN. No Jews. Just Right." (an oh so clever mock of CNN's motto - ah, you're a witty one Linder!) If you feel so inclined, you can find links to essays, blogs and other shit about the most hateful things ever towards jews, african-americans, latino-americans, native-americans, women, minority women, and pretty much the entire human race. Oh wait, except for caucasians of European decent (specifically German) in favor of preserving Western Civilization and halting racial (and intellectual) diversity. Awesome! Would you like to read his blog? I bet it'll make you pretty angry! Kirksville Today - go to town!

I just don't hate this guy for thinking what he thinks. I hate him for promoting it. I hate him for forming a community of support around these hateful ideas that have people so against embracing their fellow humans. I HATE him for thinking that being white is a symbol of racial and social superiority and that people should be concerned about preserving this precious, precious race. Uh hello! White America isn't going anywhere! I hate him for thinking that women are inferior to men (but to be fair, I hate all misogynist), but I hate him even more for speaking out against women. I hate him for being so ignorant as to think that white America DOESN'T have privileges in mainstream media and that there's an "anti-white bias". Ugh! FUCK YOU ALEX LINDER! I hope you trace back your heritage one day and you find that your great-great-great-great-grandfather was Jewish.

Okay - so I've already spent WAY too long on this blog entry (because I've actually been doing research for it - again - instead of what I should be doing) and I'm kind of outraged and frustrated at this guy (and at Shirley Phelps - I apologize for posting that youtube video, it's really hard to watch) and I've gotta quit now. My stomach hurts (either due to the adderall, the Red Bull, or the disgusting nature of the things I've been reading) and I'm thirsty. Fortunately my professor emailed me a while ago and gave me an extension on this paper (again) so I'm not fucked right now. Well, only a little bit anyway.


Have a good day! Go out and express kindness to some one new. And if you see Alex Linder, you tell him I'm on to him. You tell him I'm comin' to take his balls...

Also - if any of this made you mad (which I'm sure it did if you have a heart and you're NOT a white supremacist or crazy WBC member), look into the Anti-Defamation League. They are a large interest group whose goal is "to stop, by appeals to reason and conscience and, if necessary, by appeals to law, the defamation of the Jewish people. Its ultimate purpose is to secure justice and fair treatment to all citizens alike and to put an end forever to unjust and unfair discrimination against and ridicule of any sect or body of citizens." Basically, they are an anti-hate group focused on promoting diversity and equality, and yes, they have events and groups in Austin (link on the picture). In addition to promoting equality, they also promote the separation of church and state, support the legal precedent that it is unconstitutional for the government to post the Ten Commandments in public places, and has also condemned the public school "Bible curriculum." AND they track and keep lists of various extremist groups and individuals in an effort to "monitor and expose those who are anti-Jewish, racist, anti-democratic, and violence-prone" and regularly releases reports on such groups. These are the good guys. And right now I am SO fucking thankful that they exist.



Also - I need a little bit of Obama Love right about now:



*** "affirmative action hire" is basically hiring a minority for the sake of having the minority on roster - this was a practice by broadcasters when the FCC started monitoring diversity within the newsroom (on air and in management) - this started before people stopped saying shit like "Well, minorities are just less qualified for the position" - thank god people eventually started to realize that yeah, minorities can be, and are, just as qualified as your average white guy - however, some broadcasters will still hire minorities just to say that they now have a black man as an anchor. but shit! for a while they would hire non-white females because they were "two-fers" and could mark them down twice as a minority and as a woman - the FCC called this cheating and busted their asses (btw I say "for a while" but this obvs still goes on in some places)!

Thanks for nothin', brain

About 20 minutes ago, I was having a really hot dream where I was just about to bone Naveen Andrews! And then I woke up. Horny to say the least... stupid.

Dear brain/mind/self,

If you ever get to have that totally fucking weird dream again, and Naveen Andrews happens to be in it again (as a, for example, mannequin that comes to life) and you're seriously like 2 seconds away from boning him, LET YOURSELF KEEP SLEEPING SO YOU CAN GET TO THE GOOD STUFF! Jesus!

Love,
You

rabdargab

even when on adderall (sp???) i still get distracted by the most retarded things - like taking 2 hours to try to fix a stupid program on my computer and failing repeatedly - stupid

and i'm up at 3am - which normally would be normal - but for the last two weeks my bed time has ranged from 10:30pm to 12:30am AT THE LATEST (okay, I went to bed at 2 once) - THAT IS ABNORMAL!!! why did my sleep schedule suddenly change? because I was sick and taking cough syrup that made me sleep and it was great - but now I can't get out of this schedule (unless i take adderall) and it's weird

HOORAY FOR DRUG DEPENDENCY!!

k i'm gonna study some more

and eat chips and salsa

om nom

Immune systems are for pussies and Amsterdam is on the mind

I'm sick again. I don't know why this keeps happening, but I haven't been "well" in like - 3 months. Every time I think I get better, a week later my throat hurts and I'm coughing non-stop again and it's about time that this bullshit is over! I'll go to the doctor tomorrow, they'll scold me for smoking cigarettes (which I haven't done in a few days) and then they'll give me some medicine that will hopefully make me better for good. I really don't have time to be sick. There's too much stuff going on. And right now it's 6:30am. I'm awake because for the past 2 days I've passed out on my couch at 10:30/11p and then I keep waking up coughing and then falling back asleep so now I'm sleepy but having trouble passing back out. This is lame.

I know I said that I'd blog all about Amsterdam, but since that was a week ago, I decided to do one big recap instead of a play by play. So, here goes.

I already blogged about day one, and I actually wrote a blog entry for day two without posting it (internet issues in the hotel). Day two involved me realizing that I had gone to a foreign country, a totally unknown city, all by myself. I was kind of panicking a little bit, not enough to make me upset, but enough to make me apprehensive. Here's an excerpt!

My problem is this. I didn’t plan out my days. I didn’t set a schedule for myself. So tomorrow, at breakfast, I will sit down with my computer and set an itinerary. It’s going to start with a visit to the iamsterdam office, where I will buy an iamsterdam card to ride the trams for free and get free/discounted museum tickets. Afterwards, I will take a city tour (which I intended on doing today) that will last approx 3 hours. I’ll then hop a tram and visit the Van Gogh, Rijksmuseum, and the Rembrandt museums. I’ll go back to the hotel, change, grab a drink, and head to the Melkweg to see Yeasayer. After that, I will probably be sufficiently exhausted, and maybe fucked up enough to drunkenly flirt with some guy (not one of the creep streetwalkers though).

This was my decision. I wanted to go somewhere alone. I anticipated on being alone, so I just have to keep myself occupied and excited. I had a good day today, don’t get me wrong. I explored. I’m just a little apprehensive about my upcoming days.

Also, I’ve blown a fuse twice today in my hotel room. So much for hairdryers and straighteners – that shit ain’t gonna fly. They fixed it this afternoon, but I did it the second time a few hours ago (around 11:30pm) so I’ll just ask them to fix it again in the morning. Right now, my room is very dark.

They fixed the electricity in my room very quickly - so that was good. And the next day, I did what I said I was going to do! Well, minus the tour. I figured out the tram system, which proved to be very convenient. I walked to the Rembrandt museum and was in the best mood ever! I had smoked a rather large joint before hand and the weather was beautiful that day. The sun was out, the sky was blue, there was no rain, and it was perfect. On the way to the museum, I stopped and had an espresso and people-watched for about 20 minutes on the sidewalk in front of a cafe.

I made my way to the Rembrandt and the Rijksmuseum, but after that it was already 6 and raining (museums closed at 6) so I went back to Central Station to go eat dinner and get ready to see Yeasayer. Walking back to my hotel, I picked an Italian restaurant to have dinner at. Prior to this I had been really apprehensive about eating in a restaurant alone. Today, however, I was in a good mood, I was hungry, and I had my book with me, so I was dining alone! As soon as I sat down, the host at the restaurant started chatting with me. He was very nice, probably Italian, but had mostly a Dutch accent. He also had very unfortunate facial hair, a soul-patch that grew to hang off of his chin - ew. I ordered a glass of wine and a pizza, attempted to read a little bit, but this guy kept coming over to chat. I put the book away and had a nice little conversation. Smoked a few cigarettes, ordered another glass of wine, ate a DELICIOUS pizza, then had an Irish coffee. I had a nice little buzz going (okay, I was a little drunk) and I was very full of delicious food. I told the restaurant guy that I was going to the Melkweg that night, and he told me that he was going to be at a bar in that area, so I should meet him after the show. I said sure, gave him my number, and he walked me out of the restaurant and said goodbye, and that he really wanted to see me later. Yay!

I only had about 5 minutes to think about the possibility of meeting up with this guy, because I had only gone about 6 feet when a guy comes up behind me and offers to fix my jacket for me (it was caught on my bag strap). He's an older guy (salt & pepper hair) with a heavy Italian accent. He asks if he can walk with me and we start chatting. He's very flirty, but not sleazy, and I'm drunk and in a great mood so whatevs! We get back to the hotel and I say that I have to go up and change, so he says "Okay, I'll wait for you" - I say that's fine (thinking in the back of my head that I could probably leave the back way and not see him after) and go change. I'm sitting on the bed in my room thinking "do I go meet this guy? mmmmmmmm..... fuck it, sure." so I go back downstairs and he's waiting at the bar. He asks if he can go to the show with me, I say it's 15 euros, but he can if he wants to. He asks if the guy at the restaurant was my boyfriend (he saw him talk to me outside) and I said no, I just met him tonight. He asks if I have a lot of guys just come up and talk to me, I say, honestly, yeah - haha. At that point in time, I had had quite a few guys come up and talk to me on the street. So he says "well, I'll do something that none of these guys have done" and I reply "oh yeah? what's that?" - at this point, he takes my hand and we cross the street. He kisses me 10 minutes later. We danced together at the show, and then had sex all night back at my hotel. His name is Sinai, and I spent the rest of my Amsterdam trip with him.

My three day relationship with Sinai is one of the most surreal things that's ever happened to me. It was seriously one of those times when you're like "this is just like the movies!" and it's hard to really come to terms with the fact that it's totally happening in real life too. He was a really great boyfriend from Tuesday night until he took me to the airport Friday afternoon. He was GREAT in bed. He showed me where to buy the best weed, and we smoked 3 and a half grams in 2 and a half days. We had a fabulous dinner at an Indonesian restaurant. He talked about how he wants me to move to Spain with him, and we can live on a farmhouse and have four kids and he'll cook for us every day (he's a chef!). He was very smitten with me. I was smitten as well, but I took a lot of joy in the fact that it was so temporary. Also, the whole time I just kept thinking "damn! this is crazy!" I miss him like I miss Amsterdam. I just miss the whole experience, but I don't know if I plan on meeting him in Spain ever. Also, I was 25 this whole time (he was 32!) so that's gonna be hard news to break later.

I came back home with a renewed sense of self. My self esteem was through the roof! I felt happy and sexy and glad to be home. I mean, who wouldn't feel awesome after that? So basically, traveling alone is a great idea, even if it takes you a while to get used to it. In the end, you get to have lots of sex with hot Italians and you don't have to answer to anybody. Thanks Amsterdam. You were just what I needed.

Also, my iPhone loved Amsterdam so much, it decided to stay. It was a little upsetting, but I understand. I'll have to replace it, but I wish my iPhone a happy life in Holland!

Ugh gross

So it's Sunday at 7am. I partied pretty hard today, and now I can't sleep. But I'm about to. However, I can't even think about how awesome this week was, cause I have to start class again on Monday.

And then I realized something.

In alllll the bullshit that I went through trying to get into RTF for this semester, failing, coping with the fact that I jumped through hoops for nothing, THEN started working hard for this semester anyway....

I completely forgot to apply for RTF for the fall semester. And now that deadline has passed.

Fuck you school. You win. I'm taking the fall semester off. Suck it, higher education.

Sigh...

I'm back.

I'll update and detail the trip later.

PS - I was absolutely NOT joking about the Italian guy.

Uhhhh I can't update right now. Amsterdam is the best place in the world and all I can say is that there is a hot, naked Italian man rolling a joint in my hotel room so I have to go upstairs. Ciao!

AmsterDAMN - Part I

First of all - I would just like to say that I am awesome. I'm not going to lie - I was a little concerned that maybe I didn't know what I was doing when I decided to come to Amsterdam alone for a week - however, I'm happy to say that this was probably the best decision I've ever made. In brief - the weather is a little not Spring-Breaky (but I was expecting this) - it's pretty cold here (45 degrees) and yesterday it was raining, and while usually I'm a total lame-o in cold weather - I find myself not minding it at all...

THE PLANE RIDE: As I prepared myself in the airport for a 8.5 hour flight (see post below - and add an extra margarita to that), I made myself get out of the funk that I was in on the way to the airport. The woman ushering people on the plane got a little snippy with a few people in line for rushing in front of a woman with a baby (when the woman was obvs getting her shit together and not hurrying to get on the plane) and the airport lady said "We're adults. Let's act like adults" and I kind of smirked to myself and another guy waiting to get on the plane saw and kind of smirked as well and I almost started laughing at the bitchy woman. I'm sitting next to an older Dutch man on the plane who chatted with me a little bit about Holland and warned that the weather would probably suck and that I should be careful - I thanked him, took a sleeping pill and passed out shortly after take off.

This was one of the best flights ever by the way. While the sleeping pill didn't totally knock me out hardcore style, it knocked me out enough so that I could still wake up whenever the flight attendant brought snacks, and then an hour later when she brought dinner. I slept for about 5 hours out of the trip, so I used the remaining hours to read more and get excited about the trip! As soon as I we got off the plane, I ripped my "OBAMA" and "I Voted!" stickers off my bag - not in a "fuck you america" way - but in a "I don't want to be the tourist with American stickers on my bag!" kinda way

Finally got into Amsterdam (and was really proud of myself for buying a train ticket, getting on the right train and getting to my hotel super easily (while towing my 4 bags in the rain and smoking a cigarette - multi-fuckin-tasking!). My room wasn't ready yet, but I dropped my stuff off and set off to smoke some mary jane.

I picked a random shop down the street from my hotel (The Coin) and boy did I pick smartly! Behind the guy at the counter there are just boxes and boxes of different strains. I decided the easiest way to go about this was to say "I want to smoke something, help me out!" and he said (in a very Dutchy way) "well you've come to the right place!" and I could immediately tell that he was as stoned as I wanted to be. I bought a gram of a strain called Lavender - and it smelled fucking wonderful. Like - the dankest, sweetest, most flowery smell you could imagine (11.50 euros btw - approx $18 - so like - slightly cheaper than a gram in Austin). I still fucking suck at rolling joints (everyone rips open a cigarette and mixes the tobacco with some weed - basically a spliff - they call them dutchies) so I bought a little metal pipe and smoked a fat bowl while drinking a cup of coffee. Sufficiently stoned, I trekked around using my iPhone to guide me. I was hoping to find a Bank of America headquarters, and my iPhone told me there was one - but Amsterdam is confusing and I was unsuccessful. I DID manage, however to find a delicious fucking falafel place and om-nom-nomed the shit out of that.

I got back to the hotel around 3 or 4pm - stoned, tired from the trip, and with a tummy full of falafel. I set up my hotel room, smoked another bowl and crashed around 5. As most of my naps do, it lasted a little longer than anticipated. I'm not really sure when I woke up - but it was night. I was a little disappointed for a few minutes that I slept too long, but decided to say fuck it and get dressed and trek around in the dark, alone. I like to live dangerously you know. I think it was about 10p actually. So I set off, with no destination in mind, light a cigarette, and just a block away from my hotel, some guy walks past me and says "You shouldn't smoke a lot you know" in a flirty tone and in a modified dutch accent. I just smiled at him, a tall, stylish black guy, and he kept walking. He stops a few steps up though and waited for me to catch up to him. I let my judging-radar run for about 10 minutes to determine if I needed to avoid this situation or not. I decided, not.

He asks where I'm going, and I say that I don't know, just wandering. He asks to join me on my walk, I say, sure, and he introduces himself as Michael. He asks the basics - how long have I been in Amsterdam (just got here today), am I by myself (LIE - no, I'm meeting back with my friend in an hour - I decided I didn't need to avoid the situation, but I wanted an easy escape), he tells me that I don't need to be scared about being approached by a black man, he says most people judge harshly - some people would be scared at this point - but there were enough people around and plenty of lighting, and I continued the conversation. He offered to buy me a beer and smoke a joint - I said, yeah lets go, as long as its near buy, I have to meet my friend in an hour

So basically, first night in Amsterdam, and I'm smoking a hash-dutchie and drinking a beer with a random black guy I met on the street. Holla! He's very flirty, asks me all kind of questions (boyfriend? girlfriend? can I come back to your hotel?) ha. I said 'maybe not tonight' to the hotel question btw. I'd love nothing more than to hook up with a hot, black, amsterdam-local from South America - buuuuutttt that was not the time nor place. He walks me back to the hotel and didn't linger or try to follow me in or anything! He gave me his number and told me to call him tonight after he got off work - I probably will not. But that was fun!

I had another drink at the bar in my hotel. The hot bartender started chatting with me - I started realizing how much that joint and two beers fucked me up - and I decided to call it a night (around midnight). Even though I didn't party way fucking hard the first night, I was laughing in my room at how awesome everything was. PTFO'ed and woke up at 6:30am

Day two is awesome so far - so far the highlight has been french fries. God I love food.

I'll edit this with pictures later - but for now I'm gonna go get more stoned and check out a museum. I was going to go on a tour but then it got rainy and I was too far away and shopping. But I will do it!

leavin on a jetplane

this is going to be short and badly edited because I'm iPhone-ing it. Got too drunk last night and got a really late start so driving to Houston to get to the airport (it was cheaper than austin) was the shittiest experience EVA! But I'm here now - with 20 minutes before boarding - drinking a margarita and eating cheese sticks. I bought a really comfy plane pillow and I'm about to PTFO on the plane - I brought sleeping pills - and when I wake up - it will be tomorrow at 11:15am in Amsterdam. Holla!

Because period humor is funny

Aside from my total lezzie crush on Tina Fey, I love this because its a joke. And that's important to me because I just started birth control and I won't have another period for like, 3 months - FUCKING AWESOME!!! Assuming however that the period I'm on now will fucking end in the next 24 hours - seriously - it's the longest period ever. It will be like, 7 days. I never have periods that long! 5 days max and even then I'm like "uh wtf are you done yet?" so apparently hormone pills make you have longer periods even though there can be 3 months in between them. But yeah - I haven't turned into a raging bitch this week, and aside from a little bummed out funk that I was in yesterday, I really haven't been PMS-y at all. So so far so good!

Also, I'm supposed to be writing a paper right now. All this period talk comes from me reading SlutMachine's blog (which I just discovered! I previously just loved all her Jezebel stuff but she has her own blog and it is fanTASTIC!). So basically I've been reading blogs instead of writing papers (or paper, rather). I did however watch LOST, do 3 loads of laundry, dye my hair (it's just a little reddish now - nothing major), take an awesome shower and I'm still not super tired at 4am (which is a result of insomnia setting in again - Michael I'm sure you can relate - if you even made past the period talk to read this far - ha!) and the paper I have to write is about LOST so I'm hoping to blow through it in the next hour. I might have to finish off the blow I have left and then work really fast - it's like adderall but in a time constraint.

I still have so much stuff to do to prep/pack for Amsterdam, but I'll worry about that tomorrow afternoon.

And I don't apologize to any guys reading this who were made uncomfortable by me talking about my period. Girls bleed out their vag. Deal with it.

Uhhhh

Who just bullshitted their way out of what would probably be a perfectly enjoyable evening?

That would be me.

Totally made up some "I have to work" excuse. I'm such a bitch! I'm just so TIRED! And I've been sneezing all day! And it's Chris's birthday (tomorrow - party tonight)! And I have a paper to start! And my house is SO FUCKING DIRTY and I have to clean it! And I really didn't feel like going some place I've never been with someone I don't know. Maybe after Spring Break, when I'm not so eager to get through the week. I'm full of excuses.

Sorry, dude. I'm kind of a bitch. I'm sure you're a very nice person, but I just don't want to hang out with you tonight.

I need a nap.

Jungle Fever: A Two Parter! (A Texas Two-Step?)

The primaries are the weirdest fucking thing. When do we ever vote on what to vote for? What's even weirder than a primary? A caucus. Not only is a weird thing, it's a weird word, and as of 30 minutes ago, I dislike both the primary & caucus (the pricaucus if you will, or as we call it in Texas - The Texas Two-Step... aahhh... to be a Texan! Hate that term btw)

I voted early, on the 22nd, because it was convenient and on my way from class to my car. I voted for Obama, because I love him, I agree with his political stances, and he's a baller. Today, I went and stood in line for two hours to caucus. Now, as I understand it, 2/3rds of our delegates are chosen (proportionately) by the primary votes, and the remaining 1/3rd is chosen by the caucus votes. There's a lot of bloobity-blah about the specifics, but I really don't give a shit. All I know is that I needed to vote twice. So I did! And I felt great about it! I stood in line, in the parking lot of an elementary school, and had great, intelligent, political discussions with cute boys for two hours! Sure, I started to get a little cold and hungry, and I bummed three cigarettes from a guy named Jordan, but I cast my vote twice, and I felt like it mattered.

So then I get home and start watching the results, and Clinton is totally kicking Obama's ass. WTF Hilldawg? Look, I will totes support Hillary if she is the democratic candidate, but why oh why isn't Obama getting Texas? It's exhausted me though. So all I can do is say whatevs and just hope that everything works out in the end.

But seriously, the next time I stand in line for two hours just to have someone write my name on a piece of paper with OBAMA next to it, Obama better fucking win.

------------

In some totally non-political news, I have a kinda-maybe-sorta date with guy from one of my classes tomorrow. He's very smart, very nice, and very black - totessss hotttt. His name is Curtis, and I know absolutely nothing about him (other than he did in fact vote for Obama - and he plays Halo a lot...)

We worked on a class project together and he was nice. I wore something shoulder-revealing to class one day and every time I looked up he was looking at me because he had never seen my tattoos (this was a little weird.. but kind of flattering I guess? In a weird way?). He keeps trying to talk to me after class but I'm always bolting out the door to run across campus to my next class. Anyway, he emailed me and asked if I wanted to hang out sometime, I said sure, gave him my number, and he called today. We're going to a psychology lecture! Hahahaha... his idea. I have no fucking idea what to expect! All I know is that he's picking me up, which will leave me without a car, at a psychology lecture, and that freaks me out a little bit.

Basically, I have no idea who this guy is. I do know that he is not Andrew, and that's probably a good thing (although I am planning on inviting Andrew over later... uhhh... yeah). He has no idea that I'm about to go make out with every hot Dutch boy I can find. Hey! That's the joy in getting to know new people right?

Oh well. Here goes! Interracial dating - holla!

Dream sequence?

I woke up at 8am thirsty and crampy so I stayed up for a couple of hours to heal both ailments. Smoked a lil bit (hey, it's Sunday) and passed back out around 10:30 and preceded to have a dream that kind of fucked with my whole day.

I was thinking about it earlier, and talking to Christi about it, and I realize that I was too focused on what happened in the dream, when I should have been focusing more on how I felt.

The dream played off a lot of my fears actually. Lots of rejection, insults, being ignored by good friends, moving back in with my dad, and overall, just not being the one who comes out on top.

Anyway, I was kind of stressed out all day, and almost convinced that the dream would be real once I saw the people that were in it. I was literally nervous about going out, but I quickly realized that it was only a dream. Nothing to be nervous about.

I'm not sure why I dreamed about all of this, as I haven't necessarily been feeling insecure lately, and I don't know why I'm being kind of cryptic in talking about it, as I decided that I wanted to be really honest in this blog. I just think it's something that I need to ignore and put out of my head, or I'll just dive too far into it and freak myself out. I'm prone to doing things like that. My dreams aren't real.
And it's a damn good thing.

I leave for Amsterdam in 6 day and words cannot express how fucking excited I am to delve into unknown territory. I have no idea what I'm going to do, or who I'm going to meet. All I know is that for the next 6 days I will be eager as all get out! And then (after 1 day of travel) the next 6 days after that, I will be totally free. I get to have my own rules, and my own schedule. I can drink however much I want, and be non-sober all day. I can make out with as many cute Dutch boys I can find, and kick them out of my hotel room in the morning! And then, on the 14th, I will return renewed and refreshed (ideally).

Austin, I love you, but you're bringing me down.

Ghostland Observatory

I'm probably going to get in trouble for posting this, but whatevs it needs to be shared: Ghostland's new cd, Robotique Majestique - get it while it's hot (and before someone scolds me)





they had the fucking UT marching band on stage with them once last night. It was pretty epic

Things I did instead of studying last night

Ate dinner with Henri.
Watched Project Runway.
Watched LOST (without regret).
Trekked around LOST forums trying to figure out what the fuck happened.
Trekked around on find815.com (kinda lame, fyi)
(Studied here for about 30 minutes)
Slept for 5 hours.
Typed this.

lalalalalalalalala

I'm hungry. I have a test in 45 minutes and another one after that. Weeee!!

How I became mute

My voice has kind of been MIA for three days now. Today it's significantly better. But only for like, 30 minutes at a time, then I go into sultry mode again, and then I just start whispering. I haven't smoked a cigarette in 5 days and it hasn't bothered me at all. I've still be smoking weed like a motherfucker though, and I did a little coke too, which probably is sooooo not good for the nasal cavities or the throat. I mean, I'm not a doctor or anything, but I'm pretty sure I'm right. I'm going to continue to smoke weed, I'll probably do more coke at Ghostland and Justice this weekend, but I will not start smoking cigarettes again until I go to Amsterdam. Which is seriously a week from Saturday holy shiiiiiit.

I ended up making out with McDouche the other night (and I'm going to have to come up with new names because he's actually being really great, recently) and we actually talked about it the next day! This is the first time I've hooked up with him since.... 4 months ago? Wow. Maybe more. I was just really mad at him for a long time. (Sidenote: someone just sat in study-cubicle near me and smells exactly like someone I used to date... I can't remember who though but that smell is really familiar...). Basically, I still will not be with McDouche, for now anyway (I still have hope, goddamnit!), but we're on really good terms - despite his dumbness, arrogance, and flirty text messages that make him seem like an asshole: "Dude, were you hitting on me last night?" wtf. We did agree that making out was fun, however, and it would be totally acceptable for us to spend the night with each other from time to time. Previously this did not mean sex, though. Hopefully, this will change, because I sure as shit need to get laid and he sure as shit is really fun to fool around with. Why can't he just get with the program?! Whatevs. I'll blow him for his birthday and see where that leads.

Ha. Two posts in and this blog is already vulgar and awkward.

I sure do wish my voice would come back!